Being hard on yourself will not make you tougher (kindness will)

You finish a dreadful session, or a race where everything went wrong, and your inner voice switches to drill-sergeant mode: "you are useless", "you are not cut out for this", "you will never get anywhere like this". Plenty of people believe that harshness is what builds character. Well, recent research points to exactly the opposite: treating yourself with kindness may be what makes you mentally stronger.

What the study says

Published in Psychology of Sport and Exercise, the work combined two approaches: a snapshot of British university athletes from a range of sports and a three-wave follow-up of semi-professional footballers. In both cases, those who were more self-compassionate showed greater mental toughness. And not just by their own account, which is always a little suspect, but also as rated by their coaches.

The interesting twist comes with fear: athletes who saw self-compassion as a sign of weakness, the ones who worry about "going soft" if they are kind to themselves, lost that benefit. In other words, it is not enough to be able to treat yourself well; you also have to give yourself permission to do so.

What self-compassion is (and is not)

Self-compassion is not feeling sorry for yourself, nor staying on the sofa because "I do not fancy it today", nor telling yourself everything went brilliantly when it did not. It is treating yourself as you would treat a good friend who has just had a bad day: acknowledging that it hurt, remembering it happens to everyone and helping them think about what to do next.

Think about it: you would never tell a clubmate who dropped out at kilometre 15 "you are a failure". You would say "rough day, what happened? What do you need?". The idea is as simple, and as hard, as giving yourself that same treatment.

You do not need to shout at yourself to push yourself. You can be ambitious and kind at the same time.

The Victoris team

Why it works

Fierce self-criticism has a rather demotivating side effect: it turns every mistake into a threat. And when something feels threatening, the easiest thing is to avoid it. That is how one bad session becomes three weeks without lacing up your trainers. If, instead, you can look at the mistake without feeling attacked, you can learn from it and try again. That, in essence, is mental toughness: staying on your feet after the blow.

It has a lot to do with something we discussed before: knowing exercise is good for you does not make you consistent. What makes you consistent is being able to come back after the bad days, and to come back you need not to have beaten yourself up too much along the way.

Without sliding into self-indulgence

There is a line between treating yourself well and making excuses, and it helps to be clear about it. Self-compassion looks ahead: it asks what you need to keep going. Self-indulgence looks at the sofa: it asks how to avoid discomfort. A simple clue: if your inner dialogue ends in a plan, you are on track; if it ends in "maybe some other time", it is worth a second look.

If you struggle to stick with dated goals because you punish yourself every time you fall short, try the Victoris Infinite Challenge: it has no deadline and adds up every kilometre you move, on good days and so-so days alike. Exactly the kind of goal that sits well with treating yourself kindly.